Michael Gove’s heart sank when he was pulled aside at London City Airport recently and told that there was something “potentially dangerous” in his hand luggage. The former MP writes in The Spectator that he wondered if he had left “a lethally oversized bottle of shower gel in my washbag” or perhaps there was “gunpowder residue on my moleskin trousers”. A latex glove dipped into his bag, which is preferable to it being poked anywhere else, and pulled out a copy of Sing As We Go, Simon Heffer’s history of Britain between the wars. Was Gracie Fields on a banned list? The officer flicked through the book, dusting pages with a wipe, before handing it back. “It’s safe after all,” she told him. Gove fears Heffer will not welcome this appearing on the cover as the official verdict on his work.
Ahead of Mothering Sunday, Lucy Powell, leader of the Commons, shared her mother’s favourite aphorism with MPs. “Them who does nowt does nowt wrong,” she said. “It has stuck with me throughout my life.” Maybe, but that’s hardly going to improve the productivity crisis.
An idle thought
Today is the 82nd birthday of both Sir John Major and Eric Idle. On their joint 50th, the Monty Python star wrote to Major to note: “But for a twist of fate, I should be prime minister and you could have been the man in the Nudge Nudge sketch. I hope you don’t feel too disappointed.” I wonder if Yoko Ono ever felt the same about her exact contemporary Sir Bobby Robson, who was managing Ipswich Town when she was breaking up the Beatles.
I’m alright, says Jack
Jack Whitehall may have benefited from having a theatrical agent as a father but he got little help from his thespian godfather. Nigel Havers, above, tells the White Wine Question Time podcast that he was “useless” as a godfather. “Don’t be ridiculous,” the actor said when Whitehall told him that he wanted to be a stand-up comedian. After dragging him to a pub gig in Putney, Whitehall asked what he thought. “I really think you should be a doctor or a lawyer,” said Havers. “Don’t do that, whatever you do.” Four sell-out arena tours suggest that Whitehall was wise to ignore him.
After Sussex University was fined £585,000 this week for breaking free speech rules, its vice-chancellor informed all staff in an email that their right to say what they like was a “foundational commitment”. Well, up to a point. A few lines later, Sasha Roseneil told academics that if any journalists asked them for comment they should keep schtum and direct them to the press office.
All good things…
And so the end. After almost 12 years and some 2,750 columns, this is my last Diary. I thank my deputies in that time — Kaya, Grant and Jack, who will now lose the Lackey soubriquet — as well as the many elves, freelancers and, especially, lovely readers who sent in apt names, rewritten carols and other amusements. Yes, even the pedants and those who said they’d first heard a joke in 1932 or that it was funnier in the original Turkish. I leave you with a line from PG Wodehouse, who died 50 years ago last month. His grandson, Edward Cazalet, once told me that Wodehouse gave him this valedictory message, which I now happily nick: “If they say I was a rotten writer, just tell them I really did try.”
