This article is entirely satire. All information and interviews below are fictional and for entertainment purposes only.
Last week, Tulane University announced it is changing the entire university name to “Tulan Unvrsty” after fear of using letters D, E and I following Trump administration threats to federal funding.
On April 1, President Michael Feetz announced the “innovative and pathbreaking upgrade” to the university.
“We don’t know what the federal regulations mean,” Feetz said. “But this seems like the safest best. Tulan is ensuring its future success and locking in some plentiful government funding.”
“Obsession with outward appearances has never been so prevalent on our campus, but if any school was going to care the most about looking good while completely lacking substance, it was going to be Tulan,” sophomore Liam Forester said.
“The hallmark of a great university like Tulan is the appearance of supporting vulnerable populations so that we can get what we really want— rich kids,” Feetz said in an interview.
According to a recent study, ever since Feetz’s school-wide email came out on March 13 suspending the Office of Equity, Diversity and Inclusion Tulan has received approximately $100 billion in government handouts. Feetz has now also been named head of Elon Musk’s Research and Education Destruction Initiative.
No longer will students be required to study topics that involve “uncomfortable” conversations about race, gender, or socio-economic disparities. Instead, every class will now focus on one unifying theme: “Nothing Matters, Cut Waste and Just Be Efficient.”
All professors are now required to offer courses on subjects like “How to Bootlick,” “Mastering the Art of Sucking Up” and “Sycophancy: Getting Ahead in Today’s Overly Fair World.” The gender and sexuality studies major has also been replaced by “Straight, White Oppression in Media” which is now open to applicants.
During his 2025 Book Fest speech, Baron Trump announced a new “Baronternship” — a program designed for students whose federal internships were canceled in recent weeks. The Baronternship is currently recruiting Tulan students who look like Slavic models. Similar features to Melania are preferable, but not required.
According to Baron, interns will contribute to key initiatives like organizing Trump-Putin play dates, flying to Mars in Elon’s spaceship and creating Deportation Reels for Trump’s Instagram page.
