How parents can talk to their kids about social media use: We answer your questions about Netflix’s Adolescence

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On Thursday, April 3, child psychologist Dr. Jillian Roberts, columnist Marsha Lederman and television critic J. Kelly Nestruck answered reader questions about Netflix’s new miniseries, Adolescence.

The four-part series tells the story of a 13-year-old boy accused of murdering a schoolmate. The show has ignited conversations about being an adolescent boy today, about a crisis in masculinity that’s linked to social media instigators and digital loneliness and increasing online sex segregation.

As Lederman wrote, it was also a hard watch for parents of teenage boys, as viewers got a glimpse of the dangers of online bullying and toxic masculinity.

Readers asked about why the show was so impactful, the effects of social media on youth and how parents can talk to their children about Adolescence. Here are some highlights from the Q+A.

Kids these days

Do you agree that this should be a required viewing for young kids in schools?

Marsha Lederman: Yes I do. (With parental consent, of course, and at an appropriate age). I know it’s fiction, I know it’s just TV, but it is not just a window into that world; it’s an excellent jumping off point for discussion – especially a discussion led by, if I can use this term in this context, an appropriate adult.

I’m going to be very honest here (as I always am, probably to a fault): I have spent the last three weeks trying to convince my son to watch this show with me. He doesn’t want to.

He’s refusing, maybe because it will be uncomfortable for him, maybe because he knows I will have a million questions for him afterward.

So if he had to watch it at school, if it was on the curriculum, he would have the benefit of seeing it and discussing it. And learning from it.

As the mother of a teenage boy, I forced myself to watch Adolescence. You should do the same

Sadly the show portrays adolescent boys as severely damaged. Parents need positive messaging about their boys and encouragement to ensure their boys are supported and loved.

Kelly Nestruck: I appreciate how this show has fuelled public conversations about boys and toxic influencers on social media, but I think we have to separate the talk about the themes in the show from the actual work of art that many artists worked to put on screen here. Adolescence is about an individual boy – and the family and society that surrounds him.

In terms of positive messaging about boys, I think parents watching this show with their teen boys should talk about and celebrate the incredible performance of the young lead Owen Cooper as Jamie. Worth, too, talking about the exceptional Northern England drama schools and classes where he and others in the cast trained. The Guardian had a good piece.

Lederman: I’m not an expert, but I agree with you. The kids are all right! But not all of them. Like any television series or film, this was looking at one particular family, one specific problematic situation. I don’t think it was suggesting this is an issue for all boys. But I think the feeling of “that could have been my family” – heaven forbid – was pretty common. I don’t think the show was trying to fearmonger, but increase awareness, to use a cliché.

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I agree there is a problem in society with respect to social media, cellphones and computers, harmful and deranged online content, and lack of parental and societal oversight. But let’s look at the issue fairly, and not just through the lens of toxic masculinity. Clearly that is only part of the problem!

Lederman: Yes, you are right. And there could be (should be?) a whole other series like this that looks at what online living is like for teenage girls right now. And beyond that, there are so many issues related to what young people are seeing on the Internet. This is anecdotal, but my son is constantly telling me about crazy stunts/theories/influencers he has seen out there. He’s joking and laughing about it ... but he is seeing it. Does any of that get in?

I worry in particular about the “news” young people are ingesting from online sources like TikTok. And, oh my God, the pornography.

One change I hope to see is more media literacy taught in schools, from a young age. I think this is so important. Our kids are going to see this stuff; it’s inevitable, unfortunately. But how do they respond to it?

And getting back to Adolescence, I don’t think the series creators are aiming to change the world, so any blowback that has come their way (and blowback has come their way) about focusing on toxic masculinity feels unfair.

The effects of social media

My question is why do we keep normalizing smartphones for children and youth? How much data is it going to take for widespread policy to come down to ban these devices for kids?

Lederman: I know! But I fear that ship has sailed. I commend any parent who has the fortitude to keep a smartphone from their tween/teen, but it gets harder and harder as every other kid at school has one, and teachers even ask the kids to use the phones for some assignments (this is anecdotal, but I’ve seen it happen a lot). I don’t see a ban being put in place and not sure it would work anyway. As I’ve written elsewhere during this session, some governments and school boards announced cellphone bans with a whole lot of fanfare and ... the kids are still using them. (Anecdotal again, but it’s happening.)

I think the key for us as parents is to stay involved, offer/insist on guidance, and be part of their online experience, as much as you can be.

I found it disturbing, especially since I have zero social media presence, never have, not a single account. But I didn’t think these platforms were that “complicated.” I feel for kids today. While I can’t part with my own device, there’s no doubt it has been destructive for them.

Dr. Jillian Roberts: I completely understand where you’re coming from. It’s incredibly difficult for parents to navigate issues they haven’t personally experienced, especially when it comes to something as rapidly evolving as social media. The way kids use platforms like emojis or the nuances of online communication can seem confusing or even bizarre, particularly when these trends are constantly changing.

Growing up without the influence of devices and social media certainly gave us a different kind of childhood, where socializing and dating felt simpler and more straightforward. But for today’s kids, the constant connectivity can be both overwhelming and isolating at the same time. You’re right – just like us, they never really get a break from the digital world, and that sense of always being “on” can be draining. It’s tough to navigate as a parent, especially when the landscape is so foreign to you.

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We need more shows like this. It shows the big gap between parents and tweens/teenagers use and understanding of technology. As a mother of two teen boys and a tween girl it makes me wonder who is in control of teaching them the real meaning of masculinity and bullying both as the bully or the victim?

Roberts: I agree, the series opens your eyes to the hidden pressures kids face today, especially in the digital world, and helps parents understand what’s really going on in their lives. I believe it takes a village to raise a child, but at the end of the day, it is really the role of parents to shape the moral compass of their children. Luckily though, you can teach a great deal just with being a good role model.

Lederman: Here I go with another cliché: it takes a village. Parents, grandparents and other family if you’re lucky enough to have them around, educators, and the community at large. I don’t think that pandora’s box of technology is going to close anytime soon (or ever) so it’s our job as other members of society to stay involved with our teens/tweens, even when they start pulling away (as is a necessary part of their development, independence). Check in with them. Ask questions. Tell them stuff about your own adolescence/teenage years. They might balk and pretend not to care, but they’re taking it in. And I know everyone is so busy – guilty as charged, over here. But I have taught myself that when my teenager starts talking to me, even if I’m working or doing whatever, to turn away from my computer or put down my phone and turn to him and listen and respond.

I’m happy to not give my child a phone but all learning at schools is now done digitally. How can I make sure my child is protected if he has to use a laptop to do his homework.

Lederman: I share your frustration. Here in B.C., where I live, there were big announcements last year about cellphones being banned in schools – and I was so relieved. But that has gone by the wayside, at least at my son’s school (he’s in high school). In fact, teachers are often instructing the students to use their phones during classtime for assignments. This makes me crazy! The phone is addictive; I’ve found myself doomscrolling for an inordinate amount of time, lacking the willpower to put it down. So what is that like for a teenager? I don’t think teachers should be encouraging students to be using their phones in schools – especially when the phones are supposed to be banned. But hey that’s just me.

There are all sorts of parental controls you can use on your child’s laptop and/or phone. I think that’s a start. Also, keep talking to them about what they’re seeing online.

What parents can do

Young people need ways to vent their frustrations – stifling parenting and micro-management leads to these types of delinquent actions.

Roberts: I agree that providing your child with ample opportunities to develop self-efficacy is essential. Self-efficacy is the belief in one’s ability to successfully accomplish tasks and overcome challenges. There is a fundamental truth in psychology: hurt people hurt people.

At the end of the series, the parents are left with the horrible realization that “we could’ve done more.” How do we keep our kids safe from platforms they also want to desperately want to keep private from parents and adults as part of their growing independence as children into adults?

Roberts: You raise an important point. The big question is “what can parents do?” I think that we must start from a solid parenting foundation. When we think about effective parenting, psychologists often return to Baumrind’s foundational framework. She identified four distinct parenting styles, but it’s the “high structure/high warmth” style – what Baumrind termed the “authoritative style” – that I have found to be the most effective in fostering positive child development. Here is a brief overview of the “authoritative” Baumrind’s parenting style:

Authoritative (Balanced & Supportive)

• High warmth, high control
• Parents set clear rules but are also responsive and supportive.
• Encourages independence while maintaining structure.
• Children tend to be confident, responsible, and socially competent.

Nestruck: The Adolescence co-writer Jack Thorne (he also wrote the recent Toxic Town series on Netflix) has backed a group called Smartphone Free Childhood. It’s a movement in which 100k parents have pledged to withhold smartphones from their children until they are at least 14.

I have two boys who are still very young – but I am considering signing. I personally don’t think we talk enough about smartphone and social media impact on parents, though. Maybe we should get off them first and focus on the humans around us, not just our kids.

What measures and practices can we implement to help our kids navigate the new landscape that social media and online lifestyles present?

Roberts: That’s an excellent question. To help kids navigate the complexities of social media and online life, it’s crucial to create a balance between guidance and trust. Here are a few suggestions:

• Regularly talk to your kids about their online experiences. Keep the conversation open and non-judgmental so they feel comfortable sharing any challenges they might face, including cyberbullying or peer pressure;
• Establish clear rules about screen time, acceptable content, and online behaviour. Encourage healthy habits, such as taking breaks and avoiding social media before bed, to help them disconnect and maintain a balanced lifestyle;
• Be a role model for healthy online habits;
• Teach your kids about privacy, security, and the potential risks online. Help them understand how to protect their personal information and the importance of being kind and respectful online.
• Encourage offline activities: Make sure your kids have opportunities for face-to-face socializing and engaging in offline hobbies. This will help them maintain a healthy sense of balance and reduce the pressure that can come with constant online interaction.

As it is, communication with teenage children is very challenging and despite your best efforts they may not share their feelings, fears and aspirations. With this background, how do the parents navigate and address the serious concerns raised in Adolescence without completely alienating the child?

Roberts: I completely understand how you feel. Communication with teenagers can be incredibly challenging, and it’s tough when, despite our best efforts, they seem to keep their feelings and fears to themselves. It’s normal for them to want to pull away and navigate their emotions privately as they try to find their own way in the world.

That said, the most important thing you can do is keep showing up for them – letting them know that you’re there, ready to listen whenever they’re ready to talk. Sometimes, it’s less about pushing them to open up and more about creating a safe, non-judgmental space where they feel comfortable sharing when they’re ready.

It can be frustrating, but try to remember that their silence isn’t necessarily a reflection of how they feel about you. It’s just part of their developmental process. Just by continuing to be supportive, patient, and consistent, you’re laying the groundwork for them to come to you when they need to.

The impact of the show

I was especially moved by the show’s decision to shoot everything in one big take. It made the show feel more personal. What did you think of it?

Lederman: It was extraordinary! There’s an excellent piece in Variety about how they did it – cameras being handed off from one cinematographer to another, etc.

I thought this added to the verisimilitude of the program (along with the extraordinary acting, writing and direction) and made it more powerful. Although, to be honest, I found it a tiny bit distracting at times because I would find myself wondering “how the hell are they doing this technically” which would distract me from the actual storyline. A tiny complaint though, and probably more to do with me and my scattered brain than anything else. Truly a feat of directing.

Nestruck: For me, the one-take, single-shot form of each episode underlined a theme of the story – that we all have one path through our lives and you can’t go back and edit it. I wrote in my review: “Likewise, for parents, the terrifying truth is that you can only do your best in raising your children. You’ve got one shot – and your best may not be enough.”

Why do you think the show didn’t put too much importance on solving the crime itself, with a big reveal at the end of the first episode?

Lederman: I thought this was a very powerful decision: this wasn’t a whodunnit, but a whydunnit. That announces itself in the first episode and still we can’t stop watching. Because the whydunnit is just as (more?) powerful ... and definitely the most important question asked by the series.

Netflix’s new miniseries Adolescence will terrify parents - and is the streamer’s best since Baby Reindeer

Are there any other shows like this? Both in style and in subject matter.

Lederman: This is not a show, per se, but there is a short video put out by the White Ribbon Campaign called “My Friend, Max Hate” which addresses this issue and offers some instructive insight.

Nestruck: This may seem out of left-field but it came to mind first: the Max medical show The Pitt on Crave (and USA Network on cable) is great.

One of the plotlines that connects its fifteen episodes, depicting 15 straight hours in an ER in Pittsburgh, is about teen boys and the difference between having dark thoughts and acting on them (and how hard it is for parents to tell the difference in their children). The show is not as realistically real-time – and it doesn’t use a one-shot concept, but it’s a humane look at the elements of society (American in that case) that seem to be breaking down today in a hospital setting. The showrunner, R Scott Gemmill, a veteran of ER, was born and raised in Canada.

Why are you discussing a Netflix show? Aren’t Canadians boycotting American companies?

Nestruck: I absolutely support Canadians who are taking this moment to subscribe to a Canadian-owned streaming service like Crave or StackTV or watching the public ones like CBC Gem, TVO Today, Knowledge Network and Tele-Quebec.

But TV/streaming and its relationship to American boycotts/buying Canadian (and non-American) movements is complicated: If you watch the Junos on CBC Music’s site on YouTube rather than on Gem, were you supporting an American company or Canadian culture? Likewise, if you watched North of North on CBC or APTN – you should know a big part of that Canadian show’s budget came from Netflix, where it launches globally next week. And, of course, you’ll find lots of American content on most of the Canadian streamers.

Film critic Barry Hertz and I had a debate about this in February if you want to read more.